I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
