her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
there is glitter all over my balls
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
