____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I think i peed on brittanys purse
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
