you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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