He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
