as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
