also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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