We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
