I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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