Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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