R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
