i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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