peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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