she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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