I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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