I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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