he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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