can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
