Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
