the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
