one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
