I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
