peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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