Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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