someone owes me an orgasm
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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