you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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