fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
