Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
