we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
