watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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