Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
