He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I think I sprained my soul last night
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Drake has all the answers
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
