i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
