That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
