Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
