when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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