well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
