Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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