I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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