so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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