Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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