Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I think a kid would responsible me up
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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