you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Be still, my beating vagina.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
