I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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