She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize