It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
