i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
My liver just had a heart attack.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
