What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
