never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
