The maid of honor just puked.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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