I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
