I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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