she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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