Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
