I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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