He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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